A New Beginning.

In awe of God.

2012-01-23T06:05:00.000-08:00

When is the last time you stood in awe of the Lord?

Me: Long time ago maybe 2 years ago until today!

I was blown away by His beauty, His goodness, His awesomeness, His loving and kindness. I looked into the sky, it was like the clouds were performing just for me (and maybe others who looked into the same thing)

That moment...when I wanted more and more of God. God's splendor. God's glory bright, light up over the horizon.

It's S P E C T A C U L A R!

It's really hard to explain when you stand in awe of the Lord. It's just, I don't know, all I know is God cares for me so much, and so very very very much!

Glory be to God. He can have it all.

Compassion DTS : Week 2

2012-01-19T04:08:00.000-08:00

I am not a morning person. I wake up sleepily at 5.30am because some people are getting ready to go for a run before 6am morning exercise as it’s scheduled. I always have a hardtime going to bed. The light and the noise are not friendly. They keep me and wake me up easily. Getting 6 hours of sleep makes it hard to focus inlectures and unable to cope or functioning well most of the time in the morning plus having bread for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch every day, my body says uh-oh. Morning choirs is at 8am-8.30amthen worship and lectures until 12.30pm in order. It’s pretty rough and in rush every morning.

Shall I keep complaining? I hope not.

I don't have a job, got no money, 3 meals are provided. I should be thankful, therefore, I am thankful and I've learned to be content whatever circumstances. (Philippians 4: 11-12)

January 18th, 2012

My classmates and I are keeping each other’s company,praying for one another. We also give hugs, at least a shoulder for another tolean on. We walk hand in hand when one can barely walk. I am independent. Forme, 24/7 doing stuff with people around all the time is killing me. I have free time at 3.30-5.30pm which I can spend time with Jesus alone somewhere around thebase. It’s really good to have a quiet time and I found that after spendingtime with God at least 2 hours, my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, everythingchanges. It’s drifting from whatever to God and the rest of my day went prettywell since I focused on Him. It should definitely be in the morning beforestarting the day. I know. I’m working on it.

We are learning about the nature and character of God this week. We arehere to pursue God, to seek Him, to get to know him more and more, and to makeHim known. Who is God? What does He look like? I should have known Him, right? No,I don’t. Every day, I discover Him a bit more and I don’t think I fully knowabout Him yet. It’s still an ongoing journey. One day, I found the revelation aboutbeing with Him no matter what circumstances, hot or cold weather, rich or poor. I was happyjust to be with Him. The next day, nothing has happened, another day there’sstill nothing. What’s that? One day during the class, our guess speaker brought this up andhe said. “It’s okay, just press on, keep pressing on no matter what.”

January 19th, 2012

Yesterday, I was very tired, exhausted, crumpy, lousy ohwhatever words you can find it fit in. Something has happened when I got to mywork duty at 1.30pm on time. I was told that I was late 10 minutes and I shouldbe there at 1.20pm. Should I be informed in advance, shouldn’t I? She prayed for me before start working thenleft. What the heck! Another revelation here after an hour processingeverything. Fixing my eyes on God. Don’t take anything too personal. They arehuman being, just as I am. Something has been changing. It’s shifting like thelight shines on and the darkness is gone. I felt light again, not to carryingthe weight of whatever that just happened. Something was stirring up, Ihad to paint and I got my painting named

“Gazing upon God’s beauty”

Today, morning sucks as usual, morning exercise, hurry inshower, a bunch of people in the kitchen waiting and making breakfast, morningchoirs, sleepy in the lectures, skipped lunch, ran to post office to get children check done for hands on compassion but it didn't work out, the bus camelate, I was late for work duty, very hungry, tired, weather is hot and the sun is super strong.

I sat down and asked God to reveal Himself to me, have mercy on me.

It’s a beautiful day, I would say when I gazed on the beauty of God.

Something has been happening here...

A new Adventure

2012-01-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

I am leaving for DTS in Perth tomorrow. I need to write this, at least, to remind myself of what God has done in my life so far.

He is wonderful.
He is amazing.
He is faithful.
He hears my cry.
He comforts me.
He is good all the time.
He is caring.
He understands.
He is Father.
He is a friend.
He loves me.
He blesses me.
He is everything.

He means so much to me. I am nothing without Him. It feels really good to be able to release everything in the past, yesterday included (for better or worse moments are left where it belongs)

I choose to stay here and now.

I am not my own since I have given my whole life to God, with all I have, yes, broken pieces too! He loves it, seriously!

If we were married ( He and me), it did get really better and better.

IT DOES GET BETTER.
GOD AND I.
STATUS : IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Grace be with you.

Focus on God

2011-11-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

“For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” Matthew 16:25

I just want to cry, not because I am sad but I am so happy as I realize how I am loved, and how God views me as precious one. He loves me that much.

I finally understand that...all things work together for gooooood. My eyes...when they focus on God and His promises, not problems, not circumstances. God is what matters most. Love more, give more...that's all.

Jesus is a good example. He could do so many things but He chose to do what the Father wanted him to do.

And I am following...Him.

I am ready to obey

2011-10-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

1am in the morning as I am still awake unusually...

Hmmm, here comes the thought that I own nothing..even my life belongs to God and why I am thinking I lost everything. Money is not mine, x-boyfriend is not mine, the apartment is not mine, nothing is mine. Everything belongs to God. God owns everything.

Wow...,I feel so light right now. The best is God's purpose for me at the present moment as I feel that I have nothing right now but God. Period!

God wanted to have a relationship with me and I know he has longed for that. Now with His help, I shall not only become myself but also His and I wanted to have a relationship with Him. Another period!

I'm giving a credit to Mike Foster for this blog as I follow him on twitter and tonight he posted this, "Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." I was a big fan of the past (in a good way) I mean we were good friends, we had good memories together and good friends chatted about the past sometimes (in a good way) until at some point, as of now, I think I don't want the past to stay in the present since we have not had any good memories lately. As the past is past, but I let it become a leech sucking my present, my joy. The past that was telling me, I was not good enough. hahaha, it thought it would win but let me tell you, it was wrong. I define myself as God's children, His beloved daughter, his favorite princess. I am worthy and precious to Him. It might be right that I was not good enough BUT not in God's eyes. That's not what He sees me.

You can get me wrong if you want. But good or bad memories today will soon to pass and I am thankful for both. It teaches me and allows me to grow. Lessons form the past are experiences. I define myself as real as me.

So, to have a relationship with God in the name of Jesus, I charge you the past, stay not in the present. Whether good or bad memories, I let you go now and I do not want you to stay in the present anymore. Let me repeat it again whether you are good or bad memories, I thank you and appreciated it. Now is what I want. Now is the most important to me. Now is everything I can have. This is the only one thing I can have and I am not letting go. God is everything.

I cannot let go of God and I won't. You know that I will not.

Seek first the kingdom of God

2011-10-18T18:28:00.001-07:00

Excerps from the Prayers of Soren Kierkegaard. A centraltheme of Kierkegaard’s writings is that of willing one thing. That one thingfor Kierkegaard was to seek first the kingdom of God, to remain committed toGod in all that he did.

This week I simplify my life with one thing, knowing thatall I need will be added to me. Seeking God is filled with promises and pain.The pain I have experienced in the past as a result of seeking God.

DTS

2011-10-17T07:38:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School) in Perth.

Dis-ci-ple-ship n. to turn all people into fully devoted, mature followers of Christ. I don't know if I got the right definition BUT if it is, then those who did a DTS before me, they just made me one of them.

This is scary, honestly, I don't have money. Early this year, I invested into business and it failed.

My one and only relationship-failed terribly so far.

I got a new job-thankfully-it drains me out.

Here goes my story where the Holy Spirit leads..

Above all else, I thank you, Amy my sister who told me that I should do a DTS since last year.

I refused.

After the break-up, I thought about it but I didn't do it.

April this year, Isaiah 61 really spoke to my heart...

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives..."

Again, I still said "no"

But after NewSong retreat last week- The Holy Spirit moved again but this time I said "YES" to the unknown future I can only trust Him and I am devoted to give all of me to Him. As I mentioned, I invested into a business but failed, my one and only relationship with my first boyfriend-failed. I just feel like I have nothing left BUT God and I realize that God is ENOUGH for me. I have prayed this week and feel led to do a DTS as I started to recognize His voice. And I am following Him.

So, here I am.

Actually, I was scared at first to ask people for support but if it was what God had for me then He would make away. I sent out emails to my friends about what I was going to do and just over night, I was going to have a heart attack how God answered my prayers FAST! I've got 4 people financially support me to do a DTS.

Money is not a problem for God. He took my heart, a broken one and provided me what I needed. He gave me a new life. I did nothing. I just sin. Ha! Painful truth. He loves me more than anything.

Listen carefully to the Holy Spirit. Do what He says, go where He leads.

When you have nothing to lose. Put all trust in the Lord.

And the last thing you can do- HAVE FAITH!

Kolkata, India

2011-10-11T00:07:00.001-07:00

If you find it's difficult to pray, ask Him again and again: Jesus, come into my heart; pray in me and with me that I may learn from you how to pray. Don't search for Jesus in far lands. He is not there. He is close to you; He is with you. Just keep the lamp burning and you will always see Him. Keep on filling the Lamp with all these little drops of love, and you will see how sweet is the Lord you love. -Mother Teresa.

Here is my heart.

2011-04-19T00:51:00.002-07:00

You can have it all, Lord.

I am very tired of wanting things. Without you, I am nothing.

So you can make me and mold me now. Anything that you want, Lord.

I pray.

Psalms 51:10

2011-02-23T08:55:00.001-08:00

If a man's life is what his thoughts make of it. If so, then create in me a clean (pure) heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalms 51:10)

Joshua 1:9

2011-02-18T18:36:00.000-08:00

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I have been wrestling with God recently and He always wins!

The essence of which is never give up; never give in; stand up to it-fight it through. God will aid you.

"Will you be a hero, or will you be a coward?" "Will you be tough-minded or tender-minded?"

The positive thinker will not be a coward. He believes in himself, in life, in humanity, and in God. He knows his own capacity and his own ability. He is undaunted and invincible. He will draw the best from whatever comes.

God will get you through. Just have a little sincere faith to face all situations.

More Love, More Power

2011-01-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

More Love, More Power,
More of You in my life.
More Love, More Power,
More of You in my life.
I will worship You
with all of my heart.
I will worship You
with all of my mind.
I will worship You
with all of my strength.
For You are my Lord.

My self-esteem.

2011-01-06T05:04:00.000-08:00

I made a mistake, but everyone does. It's part of learning and growing.

"I know how you feel. It's terrible to want something so much and not find it, and it's so awkward standing around trying to strike the right air, and all the time feeling so rejected. I guess most women feel the same as you do. But you know, you have a lot going for you. It was very brave of you to go, especially feeling as vulnerable as you do. I think if you keep on trying, eventually you will meet someone. These things usually take time and effort and persistence. I really think you have a lot to offer the right person, and if you persist in looking, you will find him."

I was no longer terrified at the thought of being alone.
I was secure in my ability to take care of myself.
I was no longer afraid to be myself for fear my man would leave, because I now knew I could stand alone.

I feel warm, alive and happy and very good about myself. I feel wonderful and special. I feel like the kind of person to whom good things happen, I feel worthy of getting all the good things that life has to offer. It feels like the world is smiling at me.

Happy New Year 2011

2010-12-31T02:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Melbourne,

It’s been a great year for me and my spiritual journey (I know it’s going to be a long one)

Q: why Melbourne?
A:Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how I grow.

I know now that nothing can ever get me down again because my God is not a poor workman. He saved me. He made life hard or it’s already hard I don’t know but to be sure He wants me to know that He will help…

Difficulties are growth stimulators.

God is the strength that keeps me walking. His unconditional love has no limits. I’ve learned to reckon with God every moment and let Him be my source of direction and inspiration.

I am called to be satisfied exclusively with Him. He wants me not to look at things I want. He wants me to keep looking upon Him. He wants me to be content so I would be able to experience the love that exemplifies my relationship with Him and this is perfect love.

He wants me to know that He loves me. He is almighty. I believe and am satisfied.

Thank you Melbourne, I haven’t had enough of you yet and praise to be God. I am doubled grateful.

Happy New (joys)Year 2011.

Christmas #1 : Life after a break-up

2010-12-19T02:59:00.000-08:00

This sounds paradoxical:)

My first break-up was a very painful one, on the other hand, it was the very best that happened to me.

My past passion is dead now let it rest in peace. 5 days before Christmas. It didn't take me long to figure it out what was it all about. Praise God for a brand new start. Tonight, it was God knocking at my door saying, "Hello, can I come in?" and I had two choices. 1) Tell him to go away because I wanted to be alone or 2) Let him in and savation is forever mine. (Revelation 3:20)

I am being patient with myself. This sounds strange to me. The heartbreak always heals after a while and I am giving myself time. Sadness will go away actually it's gone because I am not depressed. I know I am not because if I am, I won't be able to write things down as I am doing it now. I shouldn't think about what happened. I do everything that take my mind off the negative feelings.
I am giving myself-esteem a boost. I sleep a lot, I eat healthy and excercise. Man, I do love myself. And God loves me. That's all I can remember.

This is a relationship that lasts forever--with God. In Him alone, I always find hope. Believe me, this the greatest gift of all.

Jesus rocks my world this Christmas (again)

Amen to that.

God Wants A Better Future for You-After the breakup

2010-12-14T02:03:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah 29:11 - “I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.”

If God led you into a breakup, you should rejoice – it means that God has a better plan for you, a plan “for peace”, and a future “filled with hope”. It is a powerful feeling, to communicate with God and see your life changed for the better. It is essential to the Christian experience to commune with our Creator this way. If you’re a follower of Jesus Christ and you want to grow closer to God, you have help when it comes to making decisions about your personal life. Seek God’s wisdom, and the guided wisdom of those older and wiser than you, and your breakup will have God’s blessing.

Amen-

Let it all out

2010-12-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me
crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a man who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that man isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

Getting well again.

2010-12-06T17:39:00.000-08:00

I will praise you O Lord with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. In your presence is fullest of joy. That's how I want to live my life. Please forgive my sins. I will carry on only becasue of you. You are my strength. I need to face the wound. I can feel the rejection all over every pages. God, I pray for healing in whatever way you may help me. Touch gently my life. Bring me health in body and spirit that I may serve you with all my heart, strength and soul. Lord, have mercy and may your healing hands rest upon me may your lifegiving powers flow into every cell of my body and into the depth of my soul, cleaning, purifying, restoring me to wholeness and strength for service in your kingdom.

Amen.

I give until there is nothing left.

2010-11-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

Many times in my life when it comes to me and leaves me a question like "Why me? Why it has to be me who always give?" I've given everything and I have nothing left.

Do I want anything in return when I give? -probably not. I am tired sometimes, like what can I give when I have nothing left.

God, I never asked anything from anyone. I know this is me and you created me this way and I have abundant to give because I have received abundant from you but if this is your purpose for creating me then help me live for your glory. I offer myself to you, Lord. All my life I offer to you and I have nothing left, I am holding nothing else. My job, my family, my boyfriend my everything belong to you, God and I long for you alone. Be my everything. Draw me ever closer to you and make me more like you. .

It's more blessed to give than receive. Let me give cheerfully. I lack of nothing. I have God and God is BIG. Let nothing move me. I have a treature in heaven. I am God's. I'm nothing afraid to give until I have nothing left.

Be with me, that's my desire.

Maintaining a relationship with God...

2010-10-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous!"- Sex and the City

I think that is true but I'd like to add another relationship which is the most important for me that is the one I have with God. Lately, I felt I was far away from God and everything seemed so hard I thought I couldn't handle it. Being back at home is not what I want, going back to where I was...,that is not going to happen soon. Back to basics, contentment, heck no, I was not content at all for the last few weeks.

Monday 18th, I've dropped everything in my head, then refocused on my relationship with God. Acknowledging that God is in control, and longing for His will to be done, thanking Him all He has done for me. My spirit was lifted. I dismissed my negative thoughts, my attention to other feelings-i.e. being pessimistic. In the battle, being positive can beat negative thoughts and it will always win. It sounds simple but it requires great faith and courage.

Listen to God through reading the bible. I pray that He will help me to live by applying it to my life. Be thankful in all circumstances. Yes, I mean in everything! Now, I see the victory. God is in control and there's nothing He can't do.

It's so hard but I am content and I choose to be with God. If I have to give everything to God in order to get closer to Him. I will. Future, money, boyfriend, troubles, I will trade everything. Why be anxious about tomorrow when it's not going to solve anything. Trade in worries today for God's peace. Trust Him and not worry.... " Will I get accepted into the Uni?, will a long distance relationship work?, will I have enough money, will I get to go back? bla bla bla... Don't be afraid; have courage. Focus on today. I give God my worries, He gives me peace. Great trade. Worry, on the other hand, is the opposite of trust.

So...

Thy will be done. Amen.

Be thankful

2010-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

This is how I overcome difficulties each day. With God's help, of course. I continue to wait, sit, pray and listen to the silence and to the reality within the silence.

Thank you God for today. I give thanks with a grateful heart. Put faith in God and you will get through it if you persevere.

I had pleanty of problems, not financial but with people. Those verses in the bible, repeatitive prayers. God saved me.

I had a problem, financially and I did put deposit, my faith, in my account soooo...if you've been there before, you know what I mean.

Now that I have problems I know that nothing can ever get me down again. why? Because the strength I need, it doesn't come from me. It comes from God.

Pray without ceasing, like non-stop even silently. It gives me hope. It really does.

Be thankful for everything and everyone. Good or bad, doesn't matter.

I'm just thankful for everything, anything and nothing.

Let's pray and let God be God.

Special thanks:
To ssfchmd, for encouragement and understanding.

Toxic emotions that end with the love of Jesus.

2010-09-05T05:24:00.000-07:00

What are toxic emotions, by the way? Anger, depression, shame, guilt, fear? Yes, they all are.

My counselor, Jesus Christ, my God has taught me for years, He has also healed me by giving me the opportunities to experience suffering, and pains. Life is difficult and not always fair, that kind of stuff I am talking about. He has given me choices to choose, to choose to forgive, to choose love, to choose to trust Him and have faith. Choose to believe that God is in control of all situations. Faith is believing that God is in charge and we can rely on Him to do what is best for us. Faith is a choice. No one can make this decision for us.

Seek first His Kingdom and these things will be added to you. ( Matt. 6:33) It means to be grateful for what He has given us, being determined to spend time with him alone and reflect on His Word. It is contrast with striving to control people and situations which is caused “stress”. Stress occurs when our perceptions don’t meet our expectations. Stress reactions release both emotions and negative physical elements we experience in life. When we encounter stresses, we express anger..,etc.

We often feel trapped at being caught or at having fallen victim to our own weaknesses. Guilt and shame create a circle of negative thinking endlessly. Chronic guilt and shame can lead to depression. (Be noted that many reasons can lead to depression) I need to forgive those who wronged me, difficult as it sounds and forgive myself for what parts I’ve played- I have to believe that God has forgiven me, if I can’t or I don’t, I will, however, have to stay with guilt and shame forever. I learned to have “hope, joy, peace”, learned to believe, to appreciate, and the most important one is to love. I received His merciful, and freedom from these toxic emotions.

Many times I don’t even know of what I am afraid of. Maybe fear of some type of loss, loss of control. Fear of abandonment and rejection. The cure for fear is faith. That’s what I learned. Now, it doesn’t matter what I am afraid of. It does matter to have faith in all circumstances.

Pain or hard times, I can never avoid but His promise assures that His presence will be with those who obey Him, at all times. Ps. 23 and John 14:1-4, He promises to bring us through the valley of shadow and to prepare for us the future He desires for us..

I recently read a book and there’s an essay it said about the attitude. “Attitude keeps me on going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there’s no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.”

My relationship with God is not in my head but heart.

This is the way I want to think and believe.

God is really big! and He can do all things.

(Dedicated this note to myself to reminding me that this is the reason I choose to study psychology. To my greatest counselor, My Lord, Jesus Christ.)

All I can do is...wait

2010-08-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

August 30th, here I am again, just got back in Thailand after my 24-week in Melbourne. I am planning to return to Melbourne in 2-3 months, meanwhile, I have no idea what my life will be like during 12 weeks in Thailand.

It's like a miracle. It seems impossible how do I live without having a job. It's hard to tell..but it doesn't scare me much as before. It doesn't mean that I encourage myself to do nothing, in fact, I encourage myself to have more faith. I remember His grace and love for me. He is the God who provides. I can only bring praise and rejoice. In my twenties, He redeemed my soul from the battle, the struggle within. "No pain, no gain"..something like that....

He has given me so much! I got baptized 6 years ago and someone gave me these verses, Joshua 1:8-9 (New International Version)
8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Rome wasn't built in a day. A heart to be transformed takes courage and time. To become a couselor seems to take forever. 6 months passed but 2 more years to go....

It will finish in no time, hopefully.

Step by step..
Each day is a gift..
One day at a time...

My God is big, full of compassion and mercy.

Give me eyes to see your glory.

Everything comes from God.

2010-08-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

19 August 2010 : Melbourne

My time has come to an end. My visa will be expired on the 24th. I'm not quite okay with it but I've done my best and I am saddened to write this. Anyway, I've achieved my goal! I got 6.5 on IELTS test within 3 months. It was hard living in a foreign country. It was rough living without having a full-time job. It was difficult living away from friends. It was tough living out of comfort zone. It's puzzling. It's extremely hard facing reality and accepting it but God has mercy on me.

Colossians 3:15-17 (New International Version)

15Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

I'm very thankful to be here and to be His. He provides me everything. I am fearful to apply for a program which I am interested in that I will be completely inadequate as a student with a stupid reason that I am not a citizen nor permanant resident. It discouraged me at times. But ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IN GOD! This is comforting.

Don't allow fear to sit on the throne of your heart -- but make a conscious choice to place the Prince of Peace on the throne of your heart.

I am getting into unfamiliar territory that I don't know about anything but trusting God. All I want to do is to stay in His presence because without Him I can't do anything. It is hard to realize Him every breath I take but I want to. It is not easy to give it all to Him. It is hard to surrender. It is extremely hard to say "not my will but your will be done" by heart but I am willing to.

I seek after God. I seek peace and pursue it. Call me a freak or whatever but I will not let God go. Everything in this world is temporary but I am able to enjoy it all. The best comfort, ironically, is the result of feeling my sadness fully, noticing that I will survive because of His love and grace.

Interestingly, being here in Australia as I also mentioned in my blog when I first got here that I had a new relationship with God-an intimate relationship, and another one that I was talking about the clutter (if you've followed me) Sometimes life is a mess although we try to make it nice and clean but we just can't do it, absolutely not with our own strength. I'm so convinced that “sometimes daughters of God can have messy rooms, and He loves them anyway.”

Everything comes from God. He gives and takes away. It's so true if you know what I mean. I am very thankful for what he has done and given to me. God is God and God is good. This is simple. When people ask you how to trust God? If you believe there is a wind and call it a wind. If you believe, then you can trust. It's almost impossible to me if you believe in God but you don't trust Him. Some people believe in God but find it hardly to trust in Him-that will work for them as they believe so. Have faith. You don't need reasons to see the proof. God is God. Everything on earth belongs to Him. God has given us everything: body, mind, abilities, physical possessions, even protection, not because we've earned or deserved this but He is so GOOD and MERCIFUL FATHER. So,I ought to praise and thank and obey Him.

This is my prayer:

God, I have cried out and yearned for your presence in my life, and I have searched your word to find my answers. I shout praises of thanksgiving. Everything got started in You and finds its purpose in You. To you be all the honor and glory. Your love is so great and I love you. You have reminded me in your word that "The one who fears is not made perfect in love." Help me to turn these fears over to you and trust you for the results--which will surely be freedom.

The truth will set you free and all you have to do is-- seek.

Melbourne, God, and stuffs # 2

2010-08-11T06:43:00.001-07:00

"Relying on God"

Week 12 : Another lesson learned.

I let go of wanting what isn't here now. Stepping out of comfort zone is challenging. I'm being stretched to place where I have never known. Who comforts me? God does. Through these years, now that I'm not surprised why things happen, about hardship that beyond my ability to endure. Living in a foreign country is exciting, yet frustrating for the first few weeks. The adjustment is part of living in a foreign country. God bless me. He provides everything.

Friday 28 May 10
12:51am

E- 3
P- 1
H- 6
F- 8

Yes, I monitored myself, not only today but I have been doing this for years. I sank into the great depression last year. With emotional pain, the only key is love and support from love ones. "Nothing taught me more about the love of my father and my friends than my own depression"

How to cope with it?
1> Besides love, focus on diet (avoid sugar), sleep, and exercise.

2> Switching negative to positive. It will go away, nothing stays the same forever. This too, shall pass.

3> Have faith.

The most powerful force is the desire to get well. If you don't want to get better. No one or even God can't force you. I guess this is why most people are trapped in their depression. They would probaly want to get out but somehow staying in depression made them feel safer, later on if they stayed long enough. It'd give them the feeling that they felt better to stay there than getting out to face anything and everything in the world. Depression became real.

4> Acceptance. The road is not meant to be easy. Life is difficult.

Melbourne, God, and stuffs # 1

2010-08-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

March 2010

Faith vs Fear

"God is in control" How many times I have to repeat it?

Do you try to control things because you are afraid that if you don’t have control bad things will happen, or good things won’t happen? What is driving your actions?
What are you afraid of? Fear will cause you to be discouraged.(Yet, I still fear)Faith encourages you to move forward.(sometimes, I just choose not to)

I accept that I fear, I let it in and I let it go. I observe my feelings..until something wonderful happens. It does happen!

I shall fear no more for I saw yesterday and love today. God is the one.

No fear in love..
I have abundant to give..
And..I will continue to do so..

I rely on God and the best is yet to come.

Looking ahead

2010-03-15T03:38:00.000-07:00

13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Who knows about tomorrow?

This is the 3rd week, I have been adjusting slowly. I'm trying to make the most of it even though it has been difficult at times being away from home. Life here is slower than in Bangkok. I always used to be busy so I don't really know how to deal with a slower pace of life-sort of. Ask me about tomorrow? Dude! Today, I don't even know how to survive. One day at a time! Yes, I can't help but wonder or sometimes doubtful what am I going to do with my future, school, life and bla bla bla...*sighs*

God only knows...

This is what I am doing, I will be thankful for each day. I'm thankful for the little things e.g. my blanket, skype, weather, foods, tram driver, teacher, classmates, church, friends, coffee, post, and etc.,

I am having a new relationship with God. Before I came here, I thought I had a really really good relationship with Him. In fact, that's true but if relationship means how to be connected or related with someone then this is going to be an another deeper level- "an intimate relationship" that I have never had with Him before.

So I sit quietly and wait for Him. You can't know someone you don't spend time with. Over a period of time, intimacy develope as a result of close contact with someone. Trust is built, confidence grows and heart changes.......

I'm not looking that far, I'm looking for today to be in His presence in everyday.

And..

"It takes two to tango"

Press on

2010-03-06T20:41:00.000-08:00

People : "How long have you been in Melbourne?"
Me : "7 days"

God is the God who provides and forever He is faithful. He does not love me less, yet keeps showering me blessings and love in everywhere.

First couple of days here, I felt lonely and unsettled but my friend's sister has been very nice to me. She has helped me to settle in, showing me around and cooks thai foods for me. So, I don't miss thai foods or thai language. I don't miss anything in Bangkok but people- the ones I love. I have been around in the city of Melbourne, trying to get direction and observe people and everything. The difficult part is to get used to with the weather. It will take another week to get used to it- I guess. I'm still used to with Thailand time which is getting better, I expect that next week I will adjust better with Melbourne's time because I am starting Language school:)

It's Sunday and I'm very thankful that I was able to go to church this morning. They welcomed me with God's love. In the Kingdom of God, wherever you go you know that you're not alone though I don't know all of them yet but in Christ, I'm loved indeed and through His people, I'm very encouraged to press on and reminded myself that I am here to reaching my goal. It will not be easy but along the road but I will enjoy learning new things with His people, cultures differences and etc.

God is faithful. I am thankful for this opportunity that He has allowed me to be here in Melbourne. I even thought to myself " Would I be able to to do this?, Could I do it? to pursue a degree in Psychology?! It was not like in a movie. It's very difficult.. to get there..

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

I can't do this alone. I put all my trust in Him because that's the only one thing I can do right now.

Seek first, His kingdom.

Special Thanks:
N'Mai-thanks for getting me in touch with P'Biee.
P'Biee-very lovely sista and you are too good to be true. Thank you so much.
My family, my best friends and love ones- for love and support.
N'Tool-God is a God who really provides:)

Following Jesus is more important than any career

2010-01-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

First time I felt the tug of Jesus on my heart..it was during crisis of my life, it was when I was unemployed, it was a big challenge. Trust Him or never. I had nothing to lose and why wouldn't I? That was the BEST shot I ever gave and I've experienced Psalms 23 which I'll never ever forget how He is my savior, my king and my all in all.

I am following Him myself and I know that I am sinful. Sometimes, I was afraid what He would ask me to do...,do something I didn't wish or want to. I was dreaming long time ago and was just interested in psychology. Six months ago, I really wanted to study. Three month ago, I'd like to know more about it and was so interested in integration of Christianity and psychology. Daydreaming about one day I could do something or have meaningful job and live a meaningful life. It's not about the future, it's about now and when God's in everyday life, things seem to be meaningful and I am fulfilled. When God's in everyday of your life..., you don't need anything plus you can do anything (I'm not saying it's easy) I have been asked to surrender, and offer HIM myself wholeheartedly ...(you wanted to ignore but you couldn't!if you know what I mean) suddenly, you think to yourself "I'd better give it to Him" and when you do it, the heaviness became lightness, then you experience "grace" and you tell him "thank you for lifting it up, I feel a lot better and now what can I do to thank YOU?".

"Go", that's what He said.

"Go where?", I still wondered.

He didn't tell where to go but instead he was giving opportunities to choose. And how am I supposed to know what is the right choice?? The last post I said "If glorifying God means to be satisfied with Him first" then answer is already here.

If you see a fish tattoo on my wrist, it was about to remind me what I had experienced with him (I didn't even know what that was, I got a tatt just to remind me what I experienced) I assumed it's the calling.

I'm leaving in a month, going to where I've said above. It's so crazy.., but it's real, it was like a dream but it's real, so real. I'm not dreaming but I'm living a dream. He is not just God but LIVING GOD. I can go anywhere in the world and I know that He is with me.

A long road ahead of me, I can say I am so afraid but I am not afraid. I'm not confused, I am conscious and being aware of not so beautiful as in my fantasy world. This is how I am living my life, to follow my Lord Jesus.

Have faith. (although it' so a little)

Believe and be satisfied in Him.

Until our roads lead us to home.

p.s. don't forget to give what you've gotten. Pass it forward.

Pain producing joy

2009-12-20T22:09:00.000-08:00

Praise to God the Lord of all.

In my very first 3 years of getting to know God, I'd say it was literally great life experience. I glanced to other people and I thought to my myself why they had such joy? I've always looked for something meaningful. I've opened to God but not everyday(to be honest)I wanted and was trying to give all to Him in everyday life but sometimes I've forgotten Him in every other days as well. I've never had any desire to fill my life with drug or all activity on nightlife after sunset. There shall be something more than that- I always believe.

When the door opened, I entered. This is how the story begins how pain producing joy is truly true to my life.

Giving 100% to God. I had no idea if that would change anything. I am extreme person, independent woman and short-tempered. Bottom fell out of my life, God has lifted me up to the very top of my world. I knew I couldn't do it by myself without God's help. I have decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities.

"I have a decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities"

If I could go deeper with this sentence, I think it'd be a 3-year paragraph long written. Well, long story short, to serve or to be served? gotta choose one, eh? And the one I've chosen is/will never be the easy one. To serve or work for God and worship Him, I can't get any words beyond this. I've experienced great suffering and pain through these years before I can say "I have a decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities" Who's in control? Sometime I forget though but I'd say that I am extremely grateful for pain as well as joy I have received nowadays.

Here is another verse..

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

God's in control. Year after year, the beautiful one, the living God has done many wonderful things as we see through those who are finally surrendered their lives to God and spreading the good news to one another. We are part of each other. We are here to encourage, support and love one another. Do we know them? no, but God knows us.

I'm very sure whatever path I am taking from now on. My God will always be with me. You and me, all of us. He will be the one I always choose to follow. He is my savior and everything. Through difficulties, I experience Him deeper and joy comes after clinging to Him. I will not ask for not having pain or suffering but I ask for God and I become one and that I keep seeking Him first.

I know I have been being hard on myself and trying to make everything perfect the way I know it can't be perfect. I know. Now that he's giving me another chance and He still loves me as the same. I claim this love and I am ready for wherever or whatever He wants me to be or do.

Take it all, God.. because I am so ready.

Rock Climbing

2009-12-03T01:55:00.000-08:00

I bought a book “ The Road less Traveled” because the author started at the beginning of his book “ Life is difficult” To me, it is something very familiar, something that I know better more than some other friends.

"who has suffered from depression and has survived the experience long enough to try to do something about it-such as reading a book about it, as you are now ( I am now)-has the making of a successful climber." –Climbing out of depression

I went Rock Climbing a few times and I loved it. I had to try to find a better hold, I had to think which hold I could reach, should left foot or right arm go first? Sometimes I had to stop, I had no more energy to go on and I just wanted to go down but the trainer who held the rope encouraged me to rest my hands, my arms a bit then tried again, in which finally I did make it to the top and it was worth trying.

"It really is okay when climbing to come back down a bit, then go sideways. In fact, sometimes that is just the best way to climb. But that’s not how the society usually sees it."

It's best to climb with others. I cannot imagine myself climbing alone without my friends. We all encourage and help one another. I was giving up, I was almost reaching the top, and I was just wanting to go down suddenly my friend shouted "you can do it" and many voices helped me to find the better hold to keep going. I'm so grateful for my friends. When you learn to climb, you have to listen to a person who has more experiences but to climb through life you have to choose who you will follow, who is your leader and how to help the rest of people to get to the top as you climb many rocks ahead.

It's very intersting. I sometimes wonder if people will get it but I'm so sure that there are people like me, who want to finish the climb even though sometimes feeling like "can't do it anymore" But whatever it is I am glad about one thing

My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me-Jesus

That's how I can keep climbing and going whether they are the cliffs, mountains, troubled seas, or deepest and darkest valley. I know I talk about suffering a lot lately but you know what? That is leading to the greatest joy after all, after all battle for something.

The hidden treasure

2009-11-20T02:07:00.000-08:00

There's something has been bothering me for a long time, sometimes I didn't pay attention to it and it kept coming back. Now, it's knocking louder at my door until I have to answer and shout back " WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

That's what I am finding out.

"turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."

The journal of spiritual growth is the long one. It interests me very much so. Life is difficult.(you probably know)Are you avoiding, trying to avoid or facing it, the difficulties, problems, and whatever makes your life not so easy. Life should be easy? Who said that?

Life is always difficult and full of pain as well as joy.

We grow mentally and spiritually because of problems. Do you have ton of problems you can't solve? Be thankful. There are no schools or classes teach you how to gain courage and wisdom, only problems call forth, actually create courage and wisdom.

It's in process. There are problems then there are pains. I guess I understand why people go to the pub or club after work and get drunk. They think they will feel no more pain after all. They go out, they have fun, they leave problem behind, they ignore. Well, well, well, they know and some don't that in the morning the pains and problems are still there. So they keep going to do that. Been there, done that. It didn't work, there should be some way we could climb out. I was still wrong until one day I've gotten to know a man named Jesus. My life has changed, not that I have no more pain or no problems in my life but I have found my saviour who was, has been, is and will be my everything so that I can face problems and feel the pains and get growing, learning in process too. Through pains, I found Him, through painful pains, I get closer to Him. I've found the hidden treasure.

I'm closing my last twenties..beautifully. I'm going back to school. I don't read. I don't like reading. One or two sections in bookstore which can catch my soul to stop and read and continue to read are spiritual and psychology sections. So, pursuing Gradute Diploma in Psychology is going to be a tough one but I am ready for this challenge. Why Psychology? A study of soul or mind? behaviour? science? spiritual? I can't really tell you right now. The gift of perceiving things that other don't see will find me well to go on this road. I also would like to study more about integration of christianity and psychology. This is my life, this is my area of interest. If glorifying God means to be satisfied with Him first. Then here I am offering all of me to get a hold of Him.

So, stop knocking, silly. I'm coming.

Dream plan

2009-11-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

Last Monday I visited my friend at her workplace. She has been working there since we graduated (6-7 years? she sticked with that while I have changed more than 5 jobs)She is leaving this job to London..to start new life after the break-up before getting married in about 4 months.

I sat in her office and started talking, " June, I wanted to buy a land in Chiangrai or Chiangmai. Imagine, my strawberry field and watermelon. I would hire local people so they would have a job and I would have a little small community. I would live with them and I thought that was what I want to do. I was not talking about church planting but I could show them God is love. I was not going to talk about God like crazy people try to force them to believe in God. I would live my life as God has designed for me and they would ask who is God. But I had no money..I might go to Australia, to study then work and save some money to buy a land when I turn to 50-60, I'd rather die in my motherland"

June put her hands on my cheeks gently said, " Wake up"

Mom said, " I'd go first if you don't have someone with you when I'm gone you better start thinking now..."

So, I've planned to be single too. Not really, I am just happy and comfortable about it if I find someone, of course...I will but right now, to be satisfied with God each day..is what I really want and I will wait.

Spiritual journey

2009-10-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

October 2009
Who would know that this trip would be designed to awaken the spirit within...

First week in the United States, it was rough and difficult to adjust plus meetings made it more incredibly....aweful. Everytime I looked outside, I heard the voice saying "God is in control and you don't need to worry about anything" Weird, I thought to myself I heard that before and what's now?" 2 days after arrived in Chicago I gave my buddy a call, we didn't talk long and I was so tired after hung up, I was weeping uncontrolled. Weird again, I wasn't sad, in fact, I was very happy to hear his voice. My bosses and I had a good time in Chicago and Wisconsin. One night, I studied bible with them..I thought "Dang it, Jesus, you never let me go just once, huh? Along the road these 3 years, you know me and you know what choice I would choose and I know my way is not your way..sighs..I can't escape from you at all and who would do like that like Paul did in the book of Romans....yes, I know there's a pain but sometimes it's just too much. We are bleeding and suffering for the work we are doing but guess what, not everyone could do this so..Ja, remember this that you are chosen one and do not compare the suffering with others"

Consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed

Yeah, I know what you mean..

Week 2 : In Cali
meeting and another meeting and jetlag.
I was stressed out because travelling itself has been exhausting and full of tensions. I thought..I was somehow going to scream out loud because it was too much. That day I heard the message about the presence of God, the message that inspired me to seek the whole of God, to be in the presence of God once again. God is love and love is God...I was humbled by seeking His presence. I was prepared and something in my heart changing I had no idea what that was but I was different I should have done something bad but i didn't and that surprised me for not doing it. Weird again, nothing is wrong but it's just weird. I talked to my buddy once again and I did not know before that he was going to tell me about the female in his life..you know what, I actually knew before he said it. No one told me about it.. I just knew and was prepared to hear it--weirdo--yes, I know.. and I did respond incredibly different from what I know who I am and how I would do with it. I didn't do anything that I thought I would do, besides, I was happy. Is it because I am getting older or I trust God more than before?

God is in control--true that.

I had a wonderful quality time with my best friend in Fullerton. We talked about life, I meant real life..it was just the two of us and I know God has been watching us and He is smiling. She took me to beaches and we just enjoyed the moments together. It's just amazing once you found someone you could talk about anything and everything and just being yourself, not pretending to be okay when you are not. I wish I could find words to express it but it's just..., I don't know, my heart has been blessed so much.

Still in USA, but another side in Atlanta and Thomasville. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to visit my friends. I'm glad we are still friends. It's wonderful. I also had a good time with my buddy, very brief, but worth it.

Last week in Cali, I was considering about further study.
When you are loved you want to love more. Isn't it wonderful.
I learned to be patient and I learn to love.
Whatever will be, will be.

The Lord looks at the heart

2009-10-08T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hmm...are we doing the work of Christ with the heart of Christ?

Are we doing or serving to IMPRESS anyone??

I'm willing to do whatever it needs to be done. 4-5 years ago, I was in the youth camp. A pastor challenged us either to be the one who went out (19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.")or be the one who gave support. I WAS extremely sure that I would be the one who went out to reach them....

wrong!

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

Do you know where I am right now??

In the opposite direction. Is is bad? No, it's way a lot greater..

Oh this isn't the end yet but I could not finish it..(I should go packing)I would come back to finish this soon.

Tough one

2009-09-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

Philippians 4:8 (New King James Version)

Meditate on These Things

8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

I have been pondering..this...for a couple of days. Some moments I couldn't get out of evil thoughts that leading me to have negative perpective on things. It was not bad. I am not a super woman who has super power.

Whatever things are true. Everything or anything that is true. True means consistent with fact or reality. The world is so dying and we are called to love. (I admit I do hate from time to time)

Considering these, I have to choose whatever things are noble (น่านับถือ), things are just (ยุติธรรม), things are pure (บริสุทธ์), things are lovely(น่ารัก), things are of good report (ที่ทรงคุณ)....if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Meditate on these things-->think about it deeply, in mind ( how can we not forget about it the next day?--that's my question)

I have to choose. There's always the fight inside of me. Some day it is a very long fight. I have to choose. Yesterday, I talked to my boss who empoweres me to live each day. He talked about the "WILL", to yearn for, a desire to do so and remember/recognize who we really are. I am empowered by grace of God.

It's never been easy for days and nights but God never leaves us. He never leaves me. He comes too slow sometimes so that I can learn about those things and know how much I NEED Him.

Too Much By Leeland
I need a place a sanctuary
A refuge for my ordinary
Finally familiar peaceful home
Untroubled safe from all this madness
Refuge for my hope and sadness
Possible to find myself alone
At home

I've found my home again
I finally find myself in You
I finally find myself in You
I feel safe again
You're the one I'm running to

I need nothing but Him. He's all I want. Can I just get Him whenever I want? No. You are created to be difficult and complicated so that you will be desperately NEEDED Him. If it's easy, why do I need God for?

That is simple tough one.

I'm forever grateful...

2009-08-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

That you've been faithful...

to my Lord..thanks for an amazing grace.

Pray through — until praying is not hard. Pray until you enjoy
it, because you have broken through the things of your flesh
and this world that would hold you back from enjoying daily
fellowship with your Father God.

I could choose to go by how I feel.., to be miserable, fighting all the blues..bla, bla, bla

But..I choose to be thankful for He has been faithful..to me.
Human beings by their very nature are selfish...

until Agape love comes...

My soul awaits for you..alone

Psalm 23:4

2009-05-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^a]">[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

One of my favorite things in the world is my easy afternoon wrapping up some thoughts and chilling out with some cool friends.

During the first quarter of 2009, I personally thought that this year was going to be easier but in fact, it's still stressful and tiring.. not less than last year. I was groaning, I haven't thought much about the house in heaven but I once in a big while had a thought about a short cut to go there. I was depressed and tired of the same problem solving. I kept hoping that soon it would pass and new day would come with joy. I always think positive and find the best out of any circumstances.

I stumbled and I failed...................................and no, I did not want to arise. I wanted to lay down, I let my hope went away...

How long? O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? (Psalm 13:1)

So, I let my thoughts drifted away and it would be soon recalled. I could feel nothing but the truth always remains. God loves me. It's hard to believe though when I could not feel. It was like they told you that your parents loved you but they never acted anything like that-sorta.

At that moment I needed prayer as much as I needed air to draw my breath or oxygen to fill my blood...A void was behind me. And in front a wall, a wall of darkness. -Georges Bernanos

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?(Psalm 13:2)

I am experiencing God's presence as well as God's absence. I'm praying for cleansing because there's a lot of pollution on my mind. I'm seeking God, not happiness for I know feelings go away but God first then joy comes. I've learned to response to the silence of God in two ways.

1. Go into depression, guilt and self-condemnation.
2. To have expectation that God will bring me to a deeper knowledge of Himself.

Hope that the change will come...
so..I wait patiently for the Lord,
and He heard my cry.