Pain producing joy

Praise to God the Lord of all.

In my very first 3 years of getting to know God, I'd say it was literally great life experience. I glanced to other people and I thought to my myself why they had such joy? I've always looked for something meaningful. I've opened to God but not everyday(to be honest)I wanted and was trying to give all to Him in everyday life but sometimes I've forgotten Him in every other days as well. I've never had any desire to fill my life with drug or all activity on nightlife after sunset. There shall be something more than that- I always believe.

When the door opened, I entered. This is how the story begins how pain producing joy is truly true to my life.

Giving 100% to God. I had no idea if that would change anything. I am extreme person, independent woman and short-tempered. Bottom fell out of my life, God has lifted me up to the very top of my world. I knew I couldn't do it by myself without God's help. I have decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities.

"I have a decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities"

If I could go deeper with this sentence, I think it'd be a 3-year paragraph long written. Well, long story short, to serve or to be served? gotta choose one, eh? And the one I've chosen is/will never be the easy one. To serve or work for God and worship Him, I can't get any words beyond this. I've experienced great suffering and pain through these years before I can say "I have a decent career which I can serve people at risk and other communities" Who's in control? Sometime I forget though but I'd say that I am extremely grateful for pain as well as joy I have received nowadays.

Here is another verse..

"For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

God's in control. Year after year, the beautiful one, the living God has done many wonderful things as we see through those who are finally surrendered their lives to God and spreading the good news to one another. We are part of each other. We are here to encourage, support and love one another. Do we know them? no, but God knows us.

I'm very sure whatever path I am taking from now on. My God will always be with me. You and me, all of us. He will be the one I always choose to follow. He is my savior and everything. Through difficulties, I experience Him deeper and joy comes after clinging to Him. I will not ask for not having pain or suffering but I ask for God and I become one and that I keep seeking Him first.

I know I have been being hard on myself and trying to make everything perfect the way I know it can't be perfect. I know. Now that he's giving me another chance and He still loves me as the same. I claim this love and I am ready for wherever or whatever He wants me to be or do.

Take it all, God.. because I am so ready.

Rock Climbing

I bought a book “ The Road less Traveled” because the author started at the beginning of his book “ Life is difficult” To me, it is something very familiar, something that I know better more than some other friends.

"who has suffered from depression and has survived the experience long enough to try to do something about it-such as reading a book about it, as you are now ( I am now)-has the making of a successful climber." –Climbing out of depression

I went Rock Climbing a few times and I loved it. I had to try to find a better hold, I had to think which hold I could reach, should left foot or right arm go first? Sometimes I had to stop, I had no more energy to go on and I just wanted to go down but the trainer who held the rope encouraged me to rest my hands, my arms a bit then tried again, in which finally I did make it to the top and it was worth trying.

"It really is okay when climbing to come back down a bit, then go sideways. In fact, sometimes that is just the best way to climb. But that’s not how the society usually sees it."

It's best to climb with others. I cannot imagine myself climbing alone without my friends. We all encourage and help one another. I was giving up, I was almost reaching the top, and I was just wanting to go down suddenly my friend shouted "you can do it" and many voices helped me to find the better hold to keep going. I'm so grateful for my friends. When you learn to climb, you have to listen to a person who has more experiences but to climb through life you have to choose who you will follow, who is your leader and how to help the rest of people to get to the top as you climb many rocks ahead.

It's very intersting. I sometimes wonder if people will get it but I'm so sure that there are people like me, who want to finish the climb even though sometimes feeling like "can't do it anymore" But whatever it is I am glad about one thing

My sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me-Jesus

That's how I can keep climbing and going whether they are the cliffs, mountains, troubled seas, or deepest and darkest valley. I know I talk about suffering a lot lately but you know what? That is leading to the greatest joy after all, after all battle for something.

The hidden treasure

There's something has been bothering me for a long time, sometimes I didn't pay attention to it and it kept coming back. Now, it's knocking louder at my door until I have to answer and shout back " WHAT DO YOU WANT!?"

That's what I am finding out.

"turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God."

The journal of spiritual growth is the long one. It interests me very much so. Life is difficult.(you probably know)Are you avoiding, trying to avoid or facing it, the difficulties, problems, and whatever makes your life not so easy. Life should be easy? Who said that?

Life is always difficult and full of pain as well as joy.

We grow mentally and spiritually because of problems. Do you have ton of problems you can't solve? Be thankful. There are no schools or classes teach you how to gain courage and wisdom, only problems call forth, actually create courage and wisdom.

It's in process. There are problems then there are pains. I guess I understand why people go to the pub or club after work and get drunk. They think they will feel no more pain after all. They go out, they have fun, they leave problem behind, they ignore. Well, well, well, they know and some don't that in the morning the pains and problems are still there. So they keep going to do that. Been there, done that. It didn't work, there should be some way we could climb out. I was still wrong until one day I've gotten to know a man named Jesus. My life has changed, not that I have no more pain or no problems in my life but I have found my saviour who was, has been, is and will be my everything so that I can face problems and feel the pains and get growing, learning in process too. Through pains, I found Him, through painful pains, I get closer to Him. I've found the hidden treasure.

I'm closing my last twenties..beautifully. I'm going back to school. I don't read. I don't like reading. One or two sections in bookstore which can catch my soul to stop and read and continue to read are spiritual and psychology sections. So, pursuing Gradute Diploma in Psychology is going to be a tough one but I am ready for this challenge. Why Psychology? A study of soul or mind? behaviour? science? spiritual? I can't really tell you right now. The gift of perceiving things that other don't see will find me well to go on this road. I also would like to study more about integration of christianity and psychology. This is my life, this is my area of interest. If glorifying God means to be satisfied with Him first. Then here I am offering all of me to get a hold of Him.

So, stop knocking, silly. I'm coming.

Dream plan

Last Monday I visited my friend at her workplace. She has been working there since we graduated (6-7 years? she sticked with that while I have changed more than 5 jobs)She is leaving this job to London..to start new life after the break-up before getting married in about 4 months.

I sat in her office and started talking, " June, I wanted to buy a land in Chiangrai or Chiangmai. Imagine, my strawberry field and watermelon. I would hire local people so they would have a job and I would have a little small community. I would live with them and I thought that was what I want to do. I was not talking about church planting but I could show them God is love. I was not going to talk about God like crazy people try to force them to believe in God. I would live my life as God has designed for me and they would ask who is God. But I had no money..I might go to Australia, to study then work and save some money to buy a land when I turn to 50-60, I'd rather die in my motherland"

June put her hands on my cheeks gently said, " Wake up"

Mom said, " I'd go first if you don't have someone with you when I'm gone you better start thinking now..."

So, I've planned to be single too. Not really, I am just happy and comfortable about it if I find someone, of course...I will but right now, to be satisfied with God each day..is what I really want and I will wait.

Spiritual journey

October 2009
Who would know that this trip would be designed to awaken the spirit within...

First week in the United States, it was rough and difficult to adjust plus meetings made it more incredibly....aweful. Everytime I looked outside, I heard the voice saying "God is in control and you don't need to worry about anything" Weird, I thought to myself I heard that before and what's now?" 2 days after arrived in Chicago I gave my buddy a call, we didn't talk long and I was so tired after hung up, I was weeping uncontrolled. Weird again, I wasn't sad, in fact, I was very happy to hear his voice. My bosses and I had a good time in Chicago and Wisconsin. One night, I studied bible with them..I thought "Dang it, Jesus, you never let me go just once, huh? Along the road these 3 years, you know me and you know what choice I would choose and I know my way is not your way..sighs..I can't escape from you at all and who would do like that like Paul did in the book of Romans....yes, I know there's a pain but sometimes it's just too much. We are bleeding and suffering for the work we are doing but guess what, not everyone could do this so..Ja, remember this that you are chosen one and do not compare the suffering with others"

Consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed

Yeah, I know what you mean..

Week 2 : In Cali
meeting and another meeting and jetlag.
I was stressed out because travelling itself has been exhausting and full of tensions. I thought..I was somehow going to scream out loud because it was too much. That day I heard the message about the presence of God, the message that inspired me to seek the whole of God, to be in the presence of God once again. God is love and love is God...I was humbled by seeking His presence. I was prepared and something in my heart changing I had no idea what that was but I was different I should have done something bad but i didn't and that surprised me for not doing it. Weird again, nothing is wrong but it's just weird. I talked to my buddy once again and I did not know before that he was going to tell me about the female in his life..you know what, I actually knew before he said it. No one told me about it.. I just knew and was prepared to hear it--weirdo--yes, I know.. and I did respond incredibly different from what I know who I am and how I would do with it. I didn't do anything that I thought I would do, besides, I was happy. Is it because I am getting older or I trust God more than before?

God is in control--true that.

I had a wonderful quality time with my best friend in Fullerton. We talked about life, I meant real life..it was just the two of us and I know God has been watching us and He is smiling. She took me to beaches and we just enjoyed the moments together. It's just amazing once you found someone you could talk about anything and everything and just being yourself, not pretending to be okay when you are not. I wish I could find words to express it but it's just..., I don't know, my heart has been blessed so much.

Still in USA, but another side in Atlanta and Thomasville. I'm thankful that God has allowed me to visit my friends. I'm glad we are still friends. It's wonderful. I also had a good time with my buddy, very brief, but worth it.

Last week in Cali, I was considering about further study.
When you are loved you want to love more. Isn't it wonderful.
I learned to be patient and I learn to love.
Whatever will be, will be.

The Lord looks at the heart

Hmm...are we doing the work of Christ with the heart of Christ?

Are we doing or serving to IMPRESS anyone??

I'm willing to do whatever it needs to be done. 4-5 years ago, I was in the youth camp. A pastor challenged us either to be the one who went out (19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.")or be the one who gave support. I WAS extremely sure that I would be the one who went out to reach them....

wrong!

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

Do you know where I am right now??

In the opposite direction. Is is bad? No, it's way a lot greater..

Oh this isn't the end yet but I could not finish it..(I should go packing)I would come back to finish this soon.

Tough one

Philippians 4:8 (New King James Version)

Meditate on These Things

8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

I have been pondering..this...for a couple of days. Some moments I couldn't get out of evil thoughts that leading me to have negative perpective on things. It was not bad. I am not a super woman who has super power.

Whatever things are true. Everything or anything that is true. True means consistent with fact or reality. The world is so dying and we are called to love. (I admit I do hate from time to time)

Considering these, I have to choose whatever things are noble (น่านับถือ), things are just (ยุติธรรม), things are pure (บริสุทธ์), things are lovely(น่ารัก), things are of good report (ที่ทรงคุณ)....if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

Meditate on these things-->think about it deeply, in mind ( how can we not forget about it the next day?--that's my question)

I have to choose. There's always the fight inside of me. Some day it is a very long fight. I have to choose. Yesterday, I talked to my boss who empoweres me to live each day. He talked about the "WILL", to yearn for, a desire to do so and remember/recognize who we really are. I am empowered by grace of God.

It's never been easy for days and nights but God never leaves us. He never leaves me. He comes too slow sometimes so that I can learn about those things and know how much I NEED Him.

Too Much By Leeland
I need a place a sanctuary
A refuge for my ordinary
Finally familiar peaceful home
Untroubled safe from all this madness
Refuge for my hope and sadness
Possible to find myself alone
At home

I've found my home again
I finally find myself in You
I finally find myself in You
I feel safe again
You're the one I'm running to

I need nothing but Him. He's all I want. Can I just get Him whenever I want? No. You are created to be difficult and complicated so that you will be desperately NEEDED Him. If it's easy, why do I need God for?

That is simple tough one.

I'm forever grateful...

That you've been faithful...

to my Lord..thanks for an amazing grace.

Pray through — until praying is not hard. Pray until you enjoy
it, because you have broken through the things of your flesh
and this world that would hold you back from enjoying daily
fellowship with your Father God.

I could choose to go by how I feel.., to be miserable, fighting all the blues..bla, bla, bla

But..I choose to be thankful for He has been faithful..to me.
Human beings by their very nature are selfish...

until Agape love comes...

My soul awaits for you..alone

Psalm 23:4

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^a]">[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.


One of my favorite things in the world is my easy afternoon wrapping up some thoughts and chilling out with some cool friends.


During the first quarter of 2009, I personally thought that this year was going to be easier but in fact, it's still stressful and tiring.. not less than last year. I was groaning, I haven't thought much about the house in heaven but I once in a big while had a thought about a short cut to go there. I was depressed and tired of the same problem solving. I kept hoping that soon it would pass and new day would come with joy. I always think positive and find the best out of any circumstances.

I stumbled and I failed...................................and no, I did not want to arise. I wanted to lay down, I let my hope went away...

How long? O Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? (Psalm 13:1)

So, I let my thoughts drifted away and it would be soon recalled. I could feel nothing but the truth always remains. God loves me. It's hard to believe though when I could not feel. It was like they told you that your parents loved you but they never acted anything like that-sorta.

At that moment I needed prayer as much as I needed air to draw my breath or oxygen to fill my blood...A void was behind me. And in front a wall, a wall of darkness. -Georges Bernanos

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?(Psalm 13:2)

I am experiencing God's presence as well as God's absence. I'm praying for cleansing because there's a lot of pollution on my mind. I'm seeking God, not happiness for I know feelings go away but God first then joy comes. I've learned to response to the silence of God in two ways.

1. Go into depression, guilt and self-condemnation.
2. To have expectation that God will bring me to a deeper knowledge of Himself.

Hope that the change will come...
so..I wait patiently for the Lord,
and He heard my cry.